How To Be A Woman

My latest read is Caitlin Moran's "How To Be A Feminist."  I enjoyed it, although I wouldn't say it was my favorite read of the year.  Unfortunately, the author has a propensity to TYPE IN ALL CAPS WHEN MAKING HER POINT, and nothing is more of a turn-off than the dreaded all caps.  (Well, perhaps some things are more of a turn off, but, you know.)

A friend called the book as "pop feminism", and I'd wager that's a pretty accurate description (see, e.g., the chapter on how Katie Price is harmful to women, whereas Lady Gaga is a symbol of empowerment).  And while I didn't think the book was particularly earth-shattering, I thought that Moran raised some interesting points.  For instance, when discussing clothing:

"Women are just supposed to be Good at Clothes, and to look down on those who aren't -- who screw up even one outfit, as evidenced by all those "Circle of Shame"/"What Was She Thinking?" spreads in every magazine and every tabloid newspaper every week.  Prominent female politicians are lambasted for a single pair of "wrong" shoes.  At its best -- and I love a nice frock -- fashion is a game.  But for women, it's a compulsory game, like netball."

I suppose that arguably -- especially in New York -- mores are changing, and men are also being judged by their attire.  Still, I think that the degree to which women are judged by their appearance, and expected to look a certain way, far outweighs the pressure felt by male counterparts.

Also entertaining:  Moran devotes a chapter to strip clubs and contrasts them to burlesque clubs, and argues that the former are objectionable whereas the latter are permissible.  Although she makes several points, she ends with:

"Do you know what the final rule of thumb is with strip clubs?  Gay men wouldn't be seen dead in Spearmint Rhino - but you can't move for them in a burlesque joint.  As a rule of thumb, you can always tell if a place is culturally healthy for women when the gays start rocking it."

Touche!

The Best Possible Light

I've been thinking a lot about interference in other people's decisions and when it's necessary to speak up.  After all, we're all adults, and people are entitled to make their own choices.

Still, it can be hard.  Harder, I think, when you're a parent and might see your (adult) child's actions as a reflection of your prior parenting decisions. One of my favorite passages on this point is in The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing, when the narrator is dealing with the fact that her son has impregnated two women:

I turn and face him.
For a long time I see this man.
I see him and I think, I am the one who taught him to regard himself as a blessing.

The Paris Wife

"To marry was to say you believed in the future and in the past too––that history and tradition and hope could stay knit together to hold you up."

Both Ways is the Only Way That I Want It

Just finished reading Maile Meloy's "Both Ways is the Only Way that I Want It."  I don't know if this ever happens to other people:  I really enjoy Meloy's books, but I kind of forgot about her.  It wasn't until I stumbled across her recent short story in The New Yorker that I thought to google her, realized that she had a new book, and went to the library to pick it up.

I liked, but did not love, Both Ways is the Only Way That I Want It.  It's a collection of short stories, primarily about relationships, marriage, and infidelity.

My favorite short story of the collection was "Two Step," mostly for the way that the story unfolds.  Still, there was this one dialogue that made me pause, because the character echoed something I once heard at a dinner party and found incredibly depressing:  "Who was it who said that marriage is a long struggle for moral advantage?"

Apparently, the answer is Marge Simpson.  This makes me feel better.

p.s.  The book's title is taken from a poem by A.R. Ammons, which I adore:

One can't
Have it 

both ways
and both 

ways is
the only 

way I
want it.

The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing

When he says, "I love you, honey," you realize that he never calls you by your name.

On Work

Finished Joshua Ferris's Then We Came to the End.  It's his first novel, and it centers around a series of workplace dramas.  I've been thinking a lot about work, purpose, and happiness lately.

It's funny: happiness ends up depending on such a random mix of factors.  But, given how many hours we spend working, it's not surprising that how happy you are will partially depend on how satisfied you are by your work.

The following passage is taken from the novel and is a conversation between a partner at an advertising firm and her subordinate:

   He was silent.  "You've worked hard."
   "Yes," she agreed.  She had finished putting on her shoes and was now sitting perpendicular to the table with her hands holding her knees.  "Too hard?"
   There was a note of vulnerability in the question that he wasn't expecting.  But it was also clear, the way she was looking at him, that she wanted him to answer truthfully.  "I don't know," he said.  "What's too hard?"
   "All these other people have so much going on in their lives.  Their nights, their weekends.  Vacations, activities.  I've never been able to do that."
   "Which is why you're a partner."
   "But what am I missing?  What have I missed?"
   "Have you been happy doing it?"
   "Happy?"
   "Content.  Has it been worthwhile?  The work?"
   "Yes," she said.  "Maybe.  I suppose."
   "Then you may be better off than they are.  Many of them would prefer not to be here, and yet this is where they spend most of their time.  Percentagewise, maybe you're the happiest."

Clumsy Heroines

A few months ago, I picked up Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and Other Concerns).  Although I didn't find it quite as funny as Bossypants, I thought Kaling was spot-on with her description of stereotypes in rom-coms: 

"When a beautiful actress is cast in a movie, executives rack their brains to find some kind of flaw in the character she plays that will still allow her to be palatable. She can’t be overweight or not perfect-looking, because who would pay to see that? A female who is not one hundred per cent perfect-looking in every way? You might as well film a dead squid decaying on a beach somewhere for two hours.  

So they make her a Klutz. 

The hundred-per-cent-perfect-looking female is perfect in every way except that she constantly bonks her head on things. She trips and falls and spills soup on her affable date (Josh Lucas. Is that his name? I know it’s two first names. Josh George? Brad Mike? Fred Tom? Yes, it’s Fred Tom). The Klutz clangs into stop signs while riding her bike and knocks over giant displays of fine china in department stores. Despite being five feet nine and weighing a hundred and ten pounds, she is basically like a drunk buffalo who has never been a part of human society. But Fred Tom loves her anyway."

I don't think this is limited to rom-coms, though:  I've seen the same trope in chick lit novels.  It's a much longer story as to why I'm reading it, but every time the heroine of Fifty Shades of Grey falls, trips, or somehow injures herself, I can't help but rolling my eyes.  (I also felt this way about Bella in the Twilight series).  Granted, Fifty Shades is making me want to roll my eyes for a whole long list of other reasons.


(You can find the full Kaling piece here.)